But all of this metaphorical thinking resulted in bitterness. More and more it seems like people just aren’t patient enough for the real thing. My hate for worldly relationships lead to judgement which I absolutely despise. I know and believe with all of my heart that all sins were died for equally and the ground at the foot of the cross is level. I don’t judge the people that I love. I don’t even judge complete strangers. But lately I’ve been passing judgement on those who have done a pretty good job of breaking me down. I have absolutely no right to judge them.

• “For whoever keeps the whole law and yet stumblles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of it.”   James 2:10
• “Accept him whose faith is weak, without passing judgement on disputable matters.” Romans 14:1
• “Therefore let us stop passing judgement on one another. Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block or obstacle in your brother’s way.” Romans 14:13

These are all verses that I decided to live my life by a year ago but the devil is really good at getting into our heads and attacking us when we are weak. Lately I’ve been telling my brothers and sisters that I’m not of this world and absolutely do not judge them for their past. I am called to love radically but forgiving my brothers and not passing judgement on them is not radical love. That’s easy. I love them already. Radical love calls me to never pass judgement on my enemies (or in my case people that have hurt me.) Instead I am called to lift them up. I am called to love not only my neighbor but my enemy as well.

• “If I have faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing.” 1 Corinthians 13:2
• “Love is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” 1 Corinthians 13:5

Tuesday I was feeling extremely convicted and knew God has something in store for me to rock my world and at Breakaway Ben Stuart said something that hit me. “Legitimately love people.” I was so convicted. I hadn’t legitimately been loving people. So I went back to my dorm and really prayed that God would heal my heart. I opened up my bible and read.

• “Immediately Jesus knew in his spirit that this was what they were thinking in their hearts. and he said to them ‘Why are you thinking these things?’” Mark 2:9
• “‘My power is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladlt about my weaknesses so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in my weaknesses, in insults, in hardhsips, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Jesus knows my heart. He knows my thoughts. He knows my brokenness. And he saved me once again. In my weakness God is strong. He prevails. Love wins.

To those I have judged I am truly and deeply sorry. I love you. Glory be to God. For He has washed my heart white as snow.

praying and praising =)

about two months ago I went to see the movie to save a life with my mom. brian had said people were really moved by it and it was written by a few christian guys so i knew the message would be a good one. and after seeing the movie i thought just that: the message was a great one and every teenager should see this movie. i didnt really think a whole lot of the impact it would have on people but i knew i wanted everyone to see it. so i took patrick and afterwards he was speechless. he couldnt believe teenagers had so many struggles that were so… shocking. i didnt understand why he was so amazed by it until later that night. i take for granted the fact that i’m used to seeing most of the issues to save a life covered. teen pregnancy, suicide, cutting, partying, broken families, not fitting in etc. all of these issues hit my family hard and i didnt realize that some kids just arent exposed to this sort of intense life style. i was thankful that patrick didnt know about this stuff but then i was thankful that i did know about it. i wouldnt be where i am today without all the lessons i learned from my familys hardships. its made me really think about my decisions before i make them and its led me to some great places. as i thought more and more about the issues to save a life brought up i realized every kid at some point is going to face one of them in their lives and they need to be ready to make good choices. the church in to save a life is a lot like rebelbase. we arent super religious we just love Jesus passionately. we know that he saved us and God loves us all the same no matter what our issues are and we are NEVER too far gone. so all of these issues, whether we’ve faced them first hand or not, theyre chances to make good decisions and if we dont, they lead to chances for God to redeem us. so how do we save a life? we dont. Jesus already did it for us. we just have to turn to him and praise him and thank him and serve him. live in community and help each other. pick each other up when we are down. remember who our redeemer is.

recently she heard about a brand new procedure that could possibly heal her of all her pain. last week she got a shot straight into the bones in her foot and she came out of the doctors office with absolutely no hope that it would work which broke my heart.

then, wednesday night at shift brian talked again about Jesus as healer. up until that point, hearing week after week that Jesus heals, i grew to have faith that Jesus can heal my mom. but wednesday night was a huge wake up call for me. the story that brain told us was of a dead girl and a sick woman. thr set up is pretty much that a man named Jairus seeks Jesus’ help to heal his daughter. On his way to heal the daughter.

“A large crowd followed and pressed about him. And a woman was there who had been subjecct to bleeding for twelve years. She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse. When she heard about Jesus, she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak, because she thought, ‘if i just touch his clothes, i will be healed.’ IMMEDIATELY her bleeding stopped and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.  AT ONCE, Jesus realized that power had gone out from him. He turned around in the crowd and asked ‘who touched my clothes?’       ‘you see the people crowding against you,’ his disciples answered, ‘and yet you can ask, who touched me?’    but Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it. then the woman, knowing what had happened to her, came and fell at his feet and trembling with fear, told him the whole truth. he said to her, ‘daughter, your faith has healed you. go in peace and be freed from your suffering.’”  (mark 5:24-34)

the story goes on to say that Jesus went to Jairus’ house and raised his daughter from the dead. but the resurrection wasn’t what caught my attention. the thing that stood out most for me was that the woman here had the same exact story as my mom. she had been in constant pain for twleve years and the people that tried to help only made things worse. and her faith HEALED her. this thought brought me to tears. in that moment after hearing this story i knew my mom could be healed too. all through worship i just cried with joy. i prayed over and over for my faith in Jesus to be enough to heal my family.

at the end of the story, after Jesus resurrected Jairus’ daughter he said to her “talitha cumi” which means “little girl, i say to you, get up!” now i have all the faith in the world that my mom can stand up because she can be healed. after sharing all of this with brian i cried all the way home then i crawled into my moms bed and read to her the story of this woman. and i told her that she had to have faith because Jesus heals.

a few weeks ago at echo we talked about shutting out all the noise in the world in order to hear what God was saying to us. i started getting…. for lack of a better word… discouraged because i had heard all these awesome stories about people hearing the voice of God and actually having conversations with Him and i’d never experienced that closeness. after hearing the story of the woman being healed i felt like such an idiot. God had been trying to speak to me all night, even longer than that. it just took seeing my mom’s story actually in the bible to see that God is speaking to me and He is trying to communicate im just not listening. i know that hearing this story was no coincidence. “thats my Jesus” as brian would say. so to all of those out there suffering i say to you: have faith and  ”talitha cumi.”

“the kingdom of God is within you” (luke 17:21)

God is the only bread we will ever need to consume. through him, we will never go hungry, never thirst for anything but the love and mercy of Him.

Ive also learned that we are what we regurgitate, what we let flow from our mouths. i, as a teenage girl, often suffer from word vomit and let hurtful meaningless words spew from my mouth. it is my goal and my duty to speak nothing but kind, encouraging words no matter what it takes. i often rolled my eyes when teachers told me “if you have nothing nice to say, dont say anything at all.” but now i understand that every single word i let flow from my mouth affects the people around me.

“dont you see that whatever enters the mouth goes into the stomach and then out of the body? but the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean.’” (matthew 15: 17-18)

God tells us that it doesnt necessarily matter what we consume, it matters what we put out in the world. what’s in our hearts and in our minds is what truly matters. my prayer is that prayer continually flows through my heart and praises continually flow from my mouth.

recreation… wow. what lasting memories i will take away from rec and all the summer camps and all the staff. huge things happened in me this summer because of this ministry. i got the opportunity to coach a bunch of little kids not only in sports but in their walk with God and looking back, they coached me too. one day,  i was trying to explain the magnitude of Gods love to a bunch of kindergarten girls. i found it tough because i had just recently begun to grasp the concept myself but i was trying hard “God loves you even more than your parents do! his love is bigger than this world”  and one girl said “i thought my parents loved me most. how is Gods love bigger?” and i was shocked. trying to explain the concept of infinity is hard especially to a small child. allison and i came back with “Your mommy and daddys hearts are only this big.” pointing to our chests “but Gods love is bigger than the universe.” we went on to explain that Gods love was like air. that you couldnt see it but it filled EVERY place on earth. because God has no body, his love is limitless we tried to explain and in return we received looks of shock and awe. another time, at football camp, a mom walked up and said her child, james dean, had told her the night before that i was the most encouraging coach he had ever had. i was so touched because i knew absolutely nothing about football and i felt extremely inadequate. to know that i had touched that kids life just by giving him simple compliments made my heart ache. thats when i knew for certain that i wanted to serve God any way i knew how. 

bible study gave me some amazing insight. from kelsey i learned the importance of community and accountability and laying yourself down for God. from Brian, who is constantly making me think, i learned to get out of the boat and to ask myself who is benefiting from my nearness. i learned the importance worship and how to do it with abandonment. i learned to work out my salvation. i learned to act IMMEDIATELY when i am called to act. i learned that God is my light. i learned from terence that a boy will not complete me. the only thing that completes me is Gods love and i am whole only in Him. and that FINALLY clicked for me. most recently i learned to be a complete fool for Christ. i also got some really great insight from an exceptional person. lauren schoonover and i were talking about our faith and some how love came up and she said this: all we have to do is run straight towards Christ and what is meant to happen to us, whether it be a job opportunity or a boyfriend, whatever is meant to happen will be placed in our path and as long as we run straight towards God with blinders on, nothing wrong will come. this is a goal of mine. to just sprint for God. im not a fast runner and i have no stamina in running, but i have a feeling that running for Christ will be a lot easier.

ive never ever been one to ask God “why, why me?” thats never really been my mindset but the first time i really realized God had a plan for me was at the end of my sophomore year. i had dated taylor for over a year and we had a really hard break up and i didnt understand why then about a month later he told me that his moms job was finally making his family move to california. i walked away from that moment and i praised God. i realized right then and there that God was looking out for me and he would never put something on me that i couldnt handle. i realized that we had to break up so that it didnt kill me when he moved. i thanked God every night for months that He had a plan for me and that every single event in my life happens for a purpose. i clung to that thought for a long time and this summer i found out what Gods grace was all about. over and over, His plan for me was exposed and i grew into myself completely.

this summer i made some really great friends all of which have furthered my relationship with Christ. i love who i am now and im living because Christ lives in me. now, my actions are not for myself, but for others and anything that is good that comes from me is not from me at all but from Christ. my goal for this year is to never lose this thought and to keep running towards Christ. i know now not to worry because everything is in Gods hands so i just pray that i dont lose sight of what matters and who ive become. i pray that i let nothing get in the way of Gods plan and i pray that i move immediately when God speaks to me and puts something on my heart. i pray that i make a difference and step up. i pray that i turn my thoughts into prayers and live intentionally in the community that has accepted me and which i love. my prayers are far and wide. always praising Jesus.

some things on the brain:

living intentionally. this has been at the forefront of my mind for about a week now. terence said something at emerge last tuesday that just really stuck. he said something along the lines of “its not the act itself, but the heart behind the act that truly matters.” so i got to thinking. am i living intentionally for Christ? ive really been trying. ive prayed about this one and ive prayed that i can be spiritually disciplined enough to turn my thoughts into prayer. that may sound strange but i actually pray for prayer. i really want to focus daily on what God’s plan is for me. one of the interns said it this way “stay focused on what really matters and throw everything else out the window.” i think this is SO important if im going to live intentionally. i have to throw everything else out the window. i have a lot of trouble with this sometimes because im definately an over analyzer but im working on just letting it be. if im lending my time to these things, im not giving my attention to God and thats my downfall.

ryan bussiere said something really great sunday that kind of put it all into perspective for me. he said there are two ways to pursue Christ. you can either pursue Christ to gain Christ or pursue Christ to gain something else (fill in the blank of want here). he said when we pursue Christ to gain something else, when that something is gained we begin to love it more than Christ and with all the distractions in the world its easy to fall into this kind of pursuit. i agree. its so easy to be the thorny type of soil that receives Christ but then lets all the STUFF of the world come in and take over our minds whether it be money or sex or attention all of these things are detracting from God and after all, Jesus died for us. i dont think money or fame can claim the same thing. so through all of the clutter in the world today, my prayer is that i break through all of the mess and find what really matters. i pray to live intentionally for Christ.

the second thing that i was reminded of this week: i heart. i had seen the video clip about a month or so ago and even wrote down a few of the things that were said but somewhere along my walk it all just got lost. so how could i forgot about something so heartbreaking? how could i ever forget that around the world and in our own neighborhoods horrible things are going on daily? has my heart grown so hard?  what does it takes to remember? brian’s brother in law, jeremy, said something in his interview for his upcoming climb for captives that really stood out. he said something like we as americans see so many humanitarian causes and are exposed to so many atrocities that we dont know what to do with it all. i think this is absolutely true. we hear all these stories about starving children with no water and prostitution and slums all over the world yet we do nothing, maybe we send up a little prayer but it takes action. Jesus was all about action. we hear all the time about how Jesus performed all these divine miracles back when he was alive that we forget Jesus is alive in us today and through us these miracles are still possible. i think we take them for granted. brian mccormack recently blogged about being a bored Christian and he said “Boredom invades our life of faith when we let the divine and miraculous become typical and routine.” i guess im challenging myself to act when i am moved IMMEDIATELY as andy nixon keeps saying. i think its a struggle for me to actually act but its one im overcoming.

the last thing ive really been focused on is something brian challenged us to find out. who is benefitting from my nearness? am i doing enough to make a difference? its been in my prayers the whole summer. since the night before i left for mexico its been on my heart. its times like these when i really wish i had an accountability partner. ive been praying to find someone i can really trust and someone who will keep me on track..

so this never quite comes out the way i want it to i guess im just praying that God keeps  moving in my life the way He has this summer. hopefully the school year wont tear down all ive worked for. pray for me!

enter servanthood. ive always been a people pleaser. coming from a broken home, i never saw my dad much, so when he was around, i didn’t ever want him to be mad at me. i love making people smile so when i let people down i get really upset. i feel that God has called me to serve and his call is LOUD! this summer, ive had so many opportunities to serve and share my story. i feel the need to spread the word that God is your only shot at grace and Hes forgiving and accepting and He wants us all to succeed. ive given myself wholeheartedly to the idea of being a servant because what we do for others, we are actually doing for God. and i dont know about you but i think i owe God more than a lot. i feel that being a servant is my duty but i willingly, passionately, joyfully serve.

God of Justice, Savior to all
Came to rescue the weak and the poor
Chose to serve and not be served

Jesus, You have called us
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

We must go live to feed the hungry
Stand beside the broken
We must go
Stepping forward keep us from just singing
Move us into action
We must go

To act justly everyday
Loving mercy in everyway
Walking humbly before You God

You have shown us, what You require
Freely we’ve received
Now freely we will give

Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out
Fill us up and send us out Lord

this song, God of justice,  is by tim hughes and it really spoke to me for a few reasons.

• Jesus “chose to serve and not be served.” he couldve so easily said to the people you serve me. but he washed their feet, he fed them, he healed them, he served them. thats HUGE. if Jesus can serve, so can i.
• act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with your God. thats micah 6:8 the bible verse weve been studying weekly at all the upward summer camps. its in this song. if thats not a sign i dont know what is.
• “keep us from just singing move us into action” if you know me at all, you know i love to sing. i am ALWAYS singing. it really spoke to me that singing is not enough. actions speak so much louder than words and God wants us to actively pursue Him.

ive learned this week that rest is vital to service. rest is one of the values of zoe life church and its a value i sorely underestimated until i got sick. you cannot serve if you arent rested physically and mentally. you have to be in the right state of mind to serve and serve for the right reasons. as i mentioned, i love to sing but because i neglected rest, im missing out on two things i love to do. i cant serve and i surely cant sing when im sick. so not only should you pour out, you should allow yourself to be poured into. im a very headstrong stubborn person so i dont accept help or compliments easily. but im learning that i cant carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and i need to accept compliments with stride because  sometimes i need to be lifted up! its something im working on.

all of this never seems to come out quite the way i thought it would so i guess what im trying to say is, if something is put heavy on your heart act IMMEDIATELY. dont wait. go now. do it now. act now. God wants you to move so He can move through you. He has given us all the tools we need to make our way through this world. Hes given us the right amount of strength and the right amount of courage. so do not fear, take everything in stride. God has called you to move, so move NOW. dont hesitate.

i didnt start off the way i should but this summer has truly changed my life. ive learned so much about myself and about God. ive learned that im not who i was. ive grown and morphed into someone much better, more joyful, and extremely thankful. i wouldnt be where i am today without all the people that encouraged me to dig down deep and put myself out there for everyone else to see. looking over the summer i think of all the things ive done and seen and all the people ive met and gotten closer to. i thank God every day for all the experiences and people that ive been blessed with this summer and im sad to see it all coming to a close so quickly. it seems like yesterday when i was walking through the doors of the church to be an intern for the rec team and now im watching eight amazing people walk out the doors to go onto bigger things. so

to phil: wow. what can i say? you crack me up. all the time. im going to miss you. the team just wont be the same without you.

to kelsi: never stop smiling. youre an amazing girl and im going to miss your sweet smiling face.

to garrett: oh garrett… thank you for being there for me over the years. and dance every once in a while. its good for your health.

to beller: just saying your name brings a smile to my face. i will never forget you as long as i live. all of your crazy antics got me through some pretty long days.

to duncan: im so glad i got to know you. youre a great kid and i hope you accomplish all of your goals in life. keep working on that serve because i want to see it when you  come back next summer.

to allison: you are an amazing girl. i loved watching you grow in your faith. you are a beautiful person inside and out and you made my day day after day. never stop encouraging people and i will always be there to encourage you.

to casey: im so glad i got to know you. theres never a dull moment when youre around. im going to miss the dodgeball games and slap wars. youre a great guy and im going to miss you and your shibby self.

to andrew: i dont think you know this but you really inspired me to get involved and for that i am always thankful. i could never quite figure you out but i do know that you are one great guy. your faith is astounding so never stop changing lives.

i wish every single one of you the best of luck. i pray that you all find people to inspire you the way you have all inspired me. youve all changed my life in some way and im thankful that i was blessed with the times we shared. i love you all and you will be missed greatly.

my goals for the next year: to get plugged in. mission mexico, um army, wilderness, edge camp, break through, small group, style your soul. i want to do it all. and more. i want to get involved. to encourage. to speak only words of praise and encouragement. to never bring anyone down. to turn my thoughts into prayer and praise. to find Jesus where ever i go. to be a better friend and person. to find the beauty in the world. to spread The Word.

if ive learned anything in the past year its that this life isnt all about me. its about giving and prayer and fellowship and community and diving into the word. its about loving others and submitting to others in the name of Christ. ive learned that Jesus doesnt walk with me. instead, i walk with Jesus and i wouldnt have it any other way.

ive learned that im definately not who i was a year ago. ive changed for the better and im hoping the difference is noticable. ive learned to forgive and  im working on the optimism and putting my trust in others. im learning that faith is all i will ever need and i must go immediately when i am asked to move. ive learned that the consequences of a shallow relationship with God are immense so im diving into the word blindly and i have faith enough to know that God will never misguide me. He will never lead me astray and He will never give me more than i can handle because he wants us all to succeed. God is Love.

this never comes out quite the way i want it to but what im trying to get at is im so glad my life has lead me to this point and im excited to see where my walk with Christ takes me.

also ive been worried a lot lately about people not seeing the huge change ive made. i fear that ill always be viewed as that mean girl instead of the girl i really am: excited for life and hungry to learn and faithful to the core. ive been wrapped up in going back to school and wanting to prove that im not who i was that i never stopped to realize, until last night, that it doesnt matter if i prove it to people or not. i already have approval from God and He is the only one i need to prove myself to. so now im going to focus on watching what comes out of my mouth and how i can use my words to encourage instead of tear down. in turn i think the people around me will start to notice the change.

speaking of worry… thats my other huge brokenness. i am a worrier. but through reading the word ive learned i am “worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed” (luke 10:41) and its true. i need to stop constantly worrying about a million different things and let whats supposed to happen happen. i realize more and more every day that every small thing that happens throughout my days all of those things are just stepping stones for something much bigger in the future. its not just a chain of random events. these are the events that God has laid out for me. its my walk with Him and i should never doubt that.

this year i really want to focus on working hard and finding love in other places than the places ive been searching. i need to surround myself with a supportive loving encouraging community that accepts me and doesnt yield my walk with Christ. i need to submit even when i know im right. i need to take the high road and the narrow path. i need to give my whole heart to God and let Him lead me to exactly where i need to be. its a huge task and a lot to work towards, but im definately up for it.

this journey has lead me to some pretty amazing and heart breaking things. whatever is to come, ill stand with arms high and heart abandoned. ill stand my soul Lord to you surrendered all i am is yours.

its true. up until about two weeks ago i had been feeling so lost in my walk with God. i didnt know where to turn and i kept praying that i would learn where i needed to go. then i started going to youth and we talked about prayer and getting into the word and all of a sudden everywhere i turned, that was the discussion. praying. praying about praying. praying about the word. even the little kids are learning how to pray in the club house 21. now i dont feel so lost. now i feel like im right where im supposed to be and im FINALLY diving into the word and finding my way.

i used to be so scared because i didnt know where to start or what to read first but the truth is, it doesnt matter WHERE you start just as long as you DO start. and there are so many ways to get into it. whether it be SOAPS or reading it cover to cover or picking a value and reading about it and making that value your entire life for a week. anything works because youre getting to know God any way you do it. in midst of all this prayer ive learned a lot about God and about myself. but most of all ive learned that theres always something to pray for and also ive learned that the gut feeling i get to do something or not do something is God speaking straight to me. if He makes my heart hurt for something, im going to pray about it or find a way to make it better. and im going to keep growing and learning and trying to make a difference always because thats what God called me to do.

so let me ask you this… have you had your quiet time today?